marie: now I express my own needs
We hope we’ll soon be at a place where everyone will recognise intimacy as wellness - which will hopefully also trigger a higher standard for the products we use for sex. Luckily we’re not alone in fighting this battle and Marie Alkestrup is a strong player on the team. She’s a beauty editor at the Danish department store Magasin which has the best beauty department in the whole country… and they were the first one of their kind to welcome sex wellness into their stores (including sitre products). But this isn’t Marie’s first rodeo: she was one of the first to write about sex and wellness when she was a beauty editor for the Danish magazine Costume. We love hanging out with Marie because the conversation always flows so freely, touching on everything from why we’ve grown up with shame to why it can be so hard to bring up pleasure in a relationship. Because it hasn’t always been easy for Marie to prioritise her own pleasure and needs. We won’t say too much - but we’re so thankful for this interview as Marie is so honest and reflective. Make sure to follow her here.
Hi Marie, could you start by giving us a quick insight into who you are and how you’re feeling at the moment?
To put it short - I’m a certified beauty geek. I actually get to write and talk about beauty every day as a beauty editor for Magasin and before that I was a beauty editor for the Danish fashion Magazine Costume. I never knew that you could make a living from following your biggest passion/hobby but here I am. I’m feeling good at the moment, as I only just got the position at Magasin a few months ago. I literally started on the 2nd of January so it has been very like: new year, new me.
We at sitre see intimacy as wellness. Do you agree with this?
It's definitely wellness. I was actually also one of the first to write about the connection between wellness and intimacy - strongly inspired by brands like you, because I see the connection between feeling good in your own skin and secure in your sexuality with your overall well being. Sex is a huge part of most people's life, and if you feel good about yourself and know yourself I believe that will also trickle into your sex life and therefore your overall feeling of happiness. Whether it is putting on body lotion or for example masturbating I think both practices are a healthy way to get in touch with yourself.
Can you relate to the way intimacy has been represented by culture for the last few decades up until now?
Not really. Because up until a few years ago everything relating to - let's say masturbation - was very much seen from a guy’s perspective. Movies like American Pie etc. were shown when I was young, and everybody talked casually about boys and men masturbating but when it came to us girls it was almost shameful. Plus the kind of places where you could have bought vibrators and such were way a part of a world I could not see myself in. An Istedgade-store can be quite an uncomfortable place to enter and not necessarily a place that caters to the female gaze or at least not to anybody who does not fit in the very masculine stereotypes.
How do you think the story told about intimacy has affected your own idea of what pleasure is - or what it can be?
I felt very embarrassed talking about intimacy for so many years. Which in some ways also affected my ability to get to know myself and to share my likes and dislikes with my partner. Back when Sex and the City first came out it was so new to see women talking about sex as they did. It did so many good things in a lot of ways but it also came with some problems, because the characters were portrayed as being in the mood 24/7 and having multiple orgasms. So (for my generation at least) it went from not really talking about sex to then suddenly feeling that you had to be a sexual queen like Samantha or otherwise you were kind of failing.
I for one struggled with feeling inadequate after a knee surgery that went wrong and left me unable to walk for a year back when I was only 22 years old. When you feel like your body is failing you it is hard to feel like you're attractive and even harder if you feel like you have to live up to being overly confident in bed. So I really struggled with finding that confidence again. I feel like years went by until I finally felt desire and desirable again. But in this journey of mine all these new perspectives on intimacy that have surfaced the last couple of years actually helped me to feel more comfortable with myself and made me feel more confident in expressing my own needs – and to feel okay about expressing them.
And today I’m learning that pleasure is a lot of things and a lot more nuanced, because we are getting more and more perspectives on it – and especially new female perspectives – which I think would have been helpful for me in my teens and early twenties.
Have you ever felt shameful or wrong in an intimate context?
Yes, as mentioned before I have felt quite shameful - I’m not religious in any kind of way but I still have had to tell myself that intimacy and self love is okay and that it is a perfectly normal thing. I think the shame stems from it not being very talked about when I was younger but now I found myself having much more open conversations with friends, co-workers etc. about this, because of brands like sitre, Peech or Magasin (when they first got sex toys and sexual wellness products on the shelves). I feel like this new sexual wellness ‘movement ‘ and the acceptance that came from intimacy products being a natural part of the beauty world in the same way as for example eye cream, made it way more easier to talk about. It gave people a language and common references that weren't necessarily available before. Just five years ago I would never have had a discussion with my coworkers about which vibrator was the best.
Have you always prioritised your own desires in an intimate relationship?
Hmm not always. Unfortunately the pleasure gap is very real and I think for a lot of people (mainly people identifying as female) it can be hard to express one's own needs. Especially if the overall consensus about sex is that intercourse is complete once the man has climaxed but the female climax is not necessarily a part of that equation. For me the change from not expressing my needs to being more vocal about them was when I gained more confidence and started to feel like it was okay to express desire - and also getting to know myself so I could actually articulate what I liked - and did not like.
We love the idea of using intimacy as self-care but we also know that many can find it daunting. What advice would you give someone who feels intimacy becomes more a pressure than a nurturing self-care ritual?
First off all. Take baby steps. Start by something as simple as putting on lotion on your whole body. It makes it easier to connect with yourself. Once you get more comfortable in your own skin, it's all about the products you introduce. I mean a lube from the pharmacy can look quite daunting and does not necessarily make you feel more comfortable when introducing it in the bedroom. Here I would go for products that give you a feeling of wellness and of them being luxurious rather than clinical. When it comes to let's say vibrators etc. I think most people will find the new ones way less scary because they come in neutral colorways and look kind of cute, honestly. I know that’s not for everyone, some prefer the old more ‘porno’ looking ones, but if that has never been your thing, I think a nice designed tool will feel more comfortable and less scary. Certainly did for me.
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