daisy: there was a distinct lack of queer representation
Photographer: Issey Gladston
It’s hard to know how much of our identity, drive and values are shaped by the culture around us. We’re constantly asking ourselves: do I want x, y and z or do I just feel like the society wants me to want that? It’s hard to know but we loved this conversation with writer and author Daisy Jones about the theme. Daisy is the writer of the important book “All The Things She Said”, which dives into the ever-changing bi and lesbian culture. Make sure to follow Daisy right here for more amazing writing… which we know you want to read.
Hi Daisy, could you start by giving us all a quick intro into who you are and how you’re feeling at the moment?
Yes! I’m Daisy Jones, a writer, editor and author of the book ‘All the Things She Said’. I was previously Senior Editor at VICE, but now most often write for British Vogue, Rolling Stone and the Guardian among many others. I am currently feeling relaxed and hydrated, well slept and looking forward to the weekend.
You’ve written the book ‘All The Things She Said: Everything I Know About Modern Lesbian and Bi Culture’. What triggered you to write this?
In the late 2010s, I remember feeling as though we were in the middle of a substantial shift with regards to how lesbian and bi culture was being absorbed and portrayed in pop culture. Suddenly we were seeing a lot more lesbian and bi films in the mainstream, a lot more open lesbian and bi celebs in the public eye and a lot more lesbian and bi narratives in pop music that differed from the narrow caricatures and stereotypes of previous decades.
So I wanted to explore and interrogate that shift, while also taking a closer look at how we got here, where we’d been, and where we were going. I actually wrote the bulk of this book in 2020 – a lot has changed since then, so some of it feels like a time capsule.
How do you think culture (aka magazines, films, ads) has impacted your idea of sex, intimacy and pleasure?
Probably in numerous unquantifiable ways. I definitely grew up with the idea that my body ought to look a certain way, and also that being sexually promiscuous was some sort of weird moral failure. Like nearly everybody, I also grew up with the myth that sex only counts if it’s penetrative, with a penis and vagina specifically, and that I’d be able to come from penetration alone! Obviously plenty of people – myself included – quickly discover that the aforementioned isn’t based in a blanket reality. So that was a learning curve in my adolescence.
We believe that stories and representation help shape our reality. Did you grow up feeling like you could relate to the stories you heard or saw about intimacy?
Yes and no. I was actually quite comfortable with intimacy growing up, more so than some of my peers, so in some ways I felt relatively relaxed about intimacy in general, and still do. That said, there was a distinct lack of queer representation in the public sphere – other than, like, Sugar Rush and the L Word – so in later years, once I stepped into my queerness, there was a lot of learning as I went along and many mistakes.
Have you ever felt like the world’s definition of ‘sexiness’ and intimacy have made you feel shameful or wrong?
To be honest, not very often, simply because I spend most of my time surrounded by the queer community, and also grew up in east London, surrounded by queers, so I’ve been quite fortunate in the sense that my ideas of sexiness and intimacy were not wholly governed by archaic ideas about how I should or shouldn’t behave. That said, when I leave that bubble, even today, I definitely feel out of place at times, or a little misaligned. I try to only surround myself with friends, art and culture that doesn’t make me feel that way though. And when I venture outside of that – like watching Love Island for example, which is very fun – I do so with a sense of distance.
What changes would you like to see within the sex wellness landscape?
I feel as though the sexual wellness landscape has become quite cutesy, sanitised and packed full of buzzwords and semi medical language. I don’t think we have to be so earnest when it comes to speaking about sex. I love it when people are pervy / filthy and honest about their pleasure, while also being ethical and consensual – the two can absolutely exist at the same time! In the words of John Waters: have faith in your own bad taste.
Lastly, if someone felt shameful about their desires and didn’t know where or who to turn to… what advice would you give them?
I’m a big proponent of the idea that – so long as everyone is consenting and respectful – there’s no room or purpose for shame with regards to sex. Sex is actually my favourite thing because it’s this intimate space that frees you from the shackles, frustrations and complex minutiae of everyday life. It’s like travelling into a different dimension. The only other time I get that feeling is through reading or maybe meditation. But yeah, when it comes to advice I’d say… cut out the noise and listen to what your body and spirit is truly telling you.
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