fie: "my sexual energy is life energy"
We felt like we could have talked all day with Fie Sommer. She’s one of those rare people who has truly changed her entire life so it follows her beliefs. A lot of us will implement a few elements into our life routine but it’s so difficult to truly switch your entire perspective and values. Fie did - because she had to. Otherwise she felt like there was no reasons to be in this world. That said, it was refreshing to hear that it isn’t always easy and we can all slip into old habits. Whether you’re in a position where you want to make big changes, a few or none - Fie’s story is inspiring and her approach to her sexuality is refreshing and thought provoking. Can we bring our sexual energy into other aspects of life?
We won’t reveal too much - just go ahead and read the article. And make sure you follow her on social right here @fie.sommer.
Can you start by telling us a bit about who you are and how you’ve gotten here?
I would define myself as a freedom activist - everything I do is to help people become free. Every project I start, everything I share on socials and the products I create - they’re all here to support us on a journey towards freedom.
It all started with my own inner journey; I had a burnout a few years ago and had a whole year where I was completely down. In the process of healing myself, I became aware of how many things stopped me from living this life from my core. I realised my life was so controlled by the outside world - the rules I felt. A lot of it was about how I had to behave as a woman. So a lot of my work has focused on the freedom of women by norm. So many norms limit us in our raw expression and tames the wild woman inside us - and I want to change that.
So how did you go from breaking down to coming out on the other side?
First I felt awful. Physically, I felt so sick. I was just lying in a dark room and couldn’t do anything. My busy life just hit me. A life that on paper looked perfect as I did live up to all the norms: my looks, my education, my job etc. But after I was feeling sick physically, I suddenly started feeling it mentally. I had a lot of flashbacks to past memories that had affected the way I show up in this world.
After a few weeks I was confronted with a feeling of being worthless and useless. Earlier I would have just kept going because I had an inner story telling me “you have to perform and live up to all these expectations to be worthy”.
So because I wasn’t able to “do” anything and “perform” all the time, it affected the root of how I lived. I had to change my perspective, otherwise I couldn’t be alive, because at that moment I wasn't able to be a “good” student, a “good” employee, or a “good” girlfriend. So I had to change the narrative and decide: I am worthy just because I am. And that suddenly changed how I perceived everything in life.
So what’s the difference between you now and you five years ago?
My current self is living life in the now and in contact with my true feelings. And the person I was five years ago lived a life that was shaped by the rules and narrative told by the society.
It’s so strong that you have managed to change the narrative you lived in. It shows your drive. You also had this drive before but you have now used this drive to change this narrative.
It felt like I didn’t have a choice. Because otherwise I had no reason to live. It felt like life or death. I can either lie down and die or stand up and get through this and believe in my own worth.
Now, from the outside, it looks like you have come out and started a lot of these freedom activities.
The first thing I created was a workshop I called Love Yourself. I was meditating a lot and one day the idea just came to me: you have to invite women into your living room and you have to share your journey. Also because I knew it wasn’t just me feeling like there’s all these norms I have to live up to - every woman has to live up to the same rules. That was also part of my healing process. It isn’t just me. It’s the society. It turned from being an inner battle to being about everyone. And it gave me the drive to create a shift as a part of my journey.
From now to then. Which changes have you gone through and how have you changed the narrative for others?
In the beginning I focused on all the limiting beliefs I had about my body and my looks. But once I had gotten through that, the thing that came up was my sexuality. Because of this increased contact and focus on my body as well as a better understanding of shame, I realised how little connection I’ve had to my sexuality, my lust, my yoni. It’s so crazy that nothing in my earlier life has brought me to reflect about and connect with my sexuality. It was a deep healing experience but also made me feel frustrated - how come I have to become an adult and get sick with stress before I get presented for another type of sex and open my eyes to my desires and lust.
And how do you feel the world around you has reacted?
I felt like a lot of the people who wanted to join me were people who could see themselves in me. And I believe it’s been through that mirroring that people have felt a healing. Regarding my personal circle of friends… it has completely changed. My life isn’t the same as it was before. In my process I also became aware of the quality of the relations I had. My whole life was build on an inner imbalance and so was the circle of people around me.
That must have been so hard? Has it been lonely?
The whole process was so hard. But everyday I became closer to my real self. And it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. So that overshadowed the feeling of it being scary or lonely. And the relationships I built after felt a lot more real - and a lot less toxic.
It’s so hard to know if you’re living as your true self when we’re born into this world of norms and rules. We at sitre have to remind ourselves of that too.
Yes. Especially as there’s also such a strong narrative when it comes to how you should run a business. I think pleasure is so important. I see it as a type of life energy. I can’t be in contact with that unless I slow down and our lives are just so fast and it stops us from feeling pleasure.
It’s also so frustrating that stress can kill your pleasure. But pleasure will make you feel so much better as it helps reduce stress and anxiety. At the same time these are the things that are stopping you from actually being able to feel and prioritise pleasure.
Yes and you also need to claim your right to pleasure. You really need to stand up for yourself and your own right to be in contact with your lust. Because there’s so many narratives and values that will try to stop you from that. You have to be a rebellion to take time for yourself and live slowly.
And do you always remember to do that or have there been times where you forget it?
No, it's so much a dance. I have committed myself to live from this place: I want to live a life that is about life. But I am also a product of this world. So it’s a constant feeling of being tapped into this feeling of “wow I am really feeling life now” but then you’re suddenly pulled out of this state and you’re thinking “what just happened - am I back to where I was before?”. The last few months I’ve noticed that I lost the life juice. I felt less motivated and did things because I felt like I had to. And then I noticed it’s because I felt a pressure to run my business a certain way. I had listened to so many podcasts and suddenly adopted this narrative told by the world instead of doing things the way I like to do them. So, I still do “the dance”, but now I am so much better at realising when I am getting off track, and then I have some tools I can use when that happens.
Do you think sex and wellness are connected?
Yes 100%. I experience that sexual energy is the ultimative contact to myself, my body and life.
How do you teach others about your experiences? Especially sexually?
To me it’s about presenting people with another narrative about sex. And I think the sexual space is so exciting as so much of what happens in that space, mirrors into other aspects of life. For example; do you have a hard time receiving? Like, just lying there and letting someone give you pleasure - for a long time. I have had a hard time with that, and I know a lot of women do. After a few minutes you are like “it’s okay” as you might feel like it’s uncomfortable having so much attention on you and your pleasure. If you’re doing this when having sex, you might be doing it at other times to. Maybe you’re finding it hard to take up space, claim your pleasure and receive from others.
But it’s also about reflecting on lust and enjoyment. I think it’s about experiencing joy rather than orgasm. We need to tap into pleasure instead of just following the script which is about this constant buildup until the man orgasms. I think it should be a dance; it can go up and down. Just go with the flow.
I also have some exercises. I have taken a lot of tantric workshops and here you work a lot with energy. They speak about sexual energy being life energy. The bubbles we can feel during sex is life juice. You can use these outside the sexual space too. So it’s about using this energy to feel more alive.
And not feeling shame about it?
Yes. I remember so often I have experienced something that felt good… like, a towel stroking you a certain way or moving my body in a certain way... But I wouldn’t allow myself to feel it properly because of shame. I think a lot of people will stop them self from feeling pleasure as it’s so connected to sex. You feel shame when you experience pleasure in a public space, so you restrict yourself.
Agree. We also try to change the way we speak about sex as dirty and naughty position sex as something wrong. Why can’t sex be mindful and nice and kind?
It’s as if the sexual space is so disconnected from who we are in real life. But there must be a way where we can bring our sexual energy to other aspects of life. Can I eat food that brings me pleasure? Move a way that brings me pleasure?
You’ve spoken about it being problematic that people learn about sex from porn. Why is that?
I think porn very much showcases ONE type of sex. And it’s a story about sex that mostly is very heteronormative. It’s about: meeting each other, man and woman, then you quickly have penetration sex and then it’s a built up until the man comes. Porn also often portray quite a violent picture of sex, especially towards the woman. That’s damaging.
I personally started watching porn because I was having sex. I learned what sex was, how I should perform, what should turn me on, before I listened to my own body and mind. I’ve had so much disconnected sex because I was just doing what I saw in porn. And a lot of my partners did the same. So we just “pressed play” and did what we thought sex was… we never really felt each other. Porn is so extreme. It happens so fast and oftentimes I believe there’s no chance that a woman could follow and open up.
But so many women have been told sex hurts. And that you just have to accept that. How is that okay? Sex should never hurt.
Lastly: you have these sex workshops. But not everyone will be ready to participate in one of these. But do you have tips for people on becoming more free in the bedroom?
For me it’s about focusing on your own pleasure. It doesn’t have to be sexual. A lot of us don’t properly know what we actually find pleasing. So it can be so much more simple, what kind of touch do I like to feel on my skin for example. Start a place where it feels easy. How can I move in a way where it gives me pleasure? And tap into how it feels rather than how it looks.
We loved hearing about your journey, thank you Fie.
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