a pregnant woman's sexual journey
sitre sees sexiness as a feeling and not a beauty standard, a certain age group, a type of body, a way of acting. It’s something that comes from within; a result of self care.
But (sorry - we know we often end up using this word) one thing is how it should be, another thing is reality. We are affected by the world around us, the stresses of everyday life, the ads we see in magazines, the movies with great and grand love / lust stories and... of course our partner, if we have one.
Reality is that your desires and drive won’t always match your partner’s. And this is bound to affect you. I remember the film ‘Take This Waltz’ with Michelle Williams and Seth Rogen (who for once wasn’t playing a foolish guy in a rom-com). There’s this scene where Seth’s character is cooking and Michelle hits on him - but he doesn’t just drop everything he’s doing to have sex with her. She gets extremely hurt because she takes it as a rejection and she has put herself in a vulnerable position… and when you get the no once, you might not dare to try again another time. They’re clearly on two different paths at that moment. I won’t give too much away, because it’s worth watching. But my point is: you won’t always be completely aligned with a partner. And that can last a brief moment or be the case for a longer period of time.
Pregnancy is a moment where two people might be embarking a journey together, but the two roles are bound to feel very different. That can sometimes affect the relationship, also intimately. We spoke to someone who is going through this. She has chosen to be anonymous as this is a very personal interview - and we thank her so much for sharing. Because it’s by talking about these things that we make sure no one ever feels alone.
Can you give us a quick insight into your current situation?
I’m pregnant and my due date is in a week. It’s my third pregnancy in 5 years.
How have you felt sexually after becoming pregnant?
I’ve experienced an increased sex drive since the sickness passed after the first trimester. That already happened around week 8 this time so I’ve been quite ‘on’. But as my body started changing and the stomach became more visible (around half way through), I became more insecure, felt less attractive and had a harder time letting go. I started thinking more about whether the light was turned on, if I was covered by the duvet and so on.
Especially as I could feel the baby in the stomach - it’s been extremely hard finding a balance between asking my husband to feel the baby kick and then hope for sex afterwards. I’ve had to choose one of the two.
How has the pregnancy affected your intimate relationship to your partner?
My husband found the whole ‘concept’ difficult during my first pregnancy. He felt he needed to be more careful and he suddenly saw me as someone else - and that someone wasn’t a sexual creature. It’s not been as dominating this time so he’s appreciated my increased sex drive more. But it was a different story once the stomach started getting more visible. He was afraid of hurting me or the baby and found it difficult getting in the mood. It didn’t matter much once we got ‘going’. But it felt like sex was a finished chapter for him around 8-10 weeks before due date.
How do you deal with these changes and have you made any learnings in this process?
I’ve recognised the same pattern every time and it’s been a source of a lot of frustration and tears (for my part). I’ve had a difficult time with the physical changes I’ve gone through due to pregnancy and haven’t felt sexy or erotic. Actually quite the opposite. I haven’t really felt that the pregnant body was sexy and I’ve almost felt like other people would find me repulsive if I wore a swimsuit for example. I’ve also gotten very aware of covering myself up during sex. And it’s been hard to have an increased sex drive while not wanting to wear nice lingeri to try and tempt my husband. I’ve at time felt unworthy as I had to almost “beg” for sex.
I’ve actually bought a vibrator this time as I relatively quickly recognised the pattern when we got to the third trimester. Then I could please myself instead.
How does your intimate relationship to your partner affect you and your wellbeing?
I’ve been quite affected and felt sad about not being wanted. Especially as it’s a time where I’ve felt so vulnerable. So the rejections have felt extra hard as it was during a time where I didn’t feel right in my own body. I didn’t feel like myself and I definitely didn’t feel attractive.
Do you feel the way the media represent sexiness has any effect on how you feel?
I’ve really missed seeing pregnant women being portrayed as sexy. Or as sexual creatures at least. It can so quickly become about motherhood and it feels very innocent - like a protective hand on the stomach and some practical oversized clothes.
Seeing pregnant women in a commercial context feels alien to me - for jewellery or underwear. I understand it might not be that representative and it might not appeal to many - but for some products it’s very relevant.
Something I’ve also thought about how you’re often told you’re beautiful during pregnancy - but it’s as if that beauty isn’t sexual. Or at least it doesn’t match with the experience I’ve had with my husband. I think it’s because the beauty of pregnancy is never portrayed in a sexual way.
That’s why I got so happy - and surprised - when I saw a pregnant model on your Instagram. Suddenly it felt legitimate to have a sexy drive during pregnancy. And lube is something you need during pregnancy - but if pregnant people don’t feel represented as sexual creatures then the shame might feel overshadowing.
Thank you so much for sharing.
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