cecilie: solo sex is self-care
Cecilie Blaksted doesn’t just talk, post, write about wellness. It’s a lifestyle. And after talking to her, we understand why and how. She doesn’t like being unhappy. It sounds so simple - so why is it a lot of us doesn’t prioritise it? She says it brilliantly: her goal is to be happy on a Monday. Because if she can get up a Monday morning with a smile on her lips, then things must be pretty good. Shouldn’t we all strive to achieve that? We think so.
That doesn’t mean Cecilie is always in a good mood. But she tends to not just let herself get into a dark place, instead she challenge herself to find a way out. Recently she went through a patch like that during COVID and you know what her best tool to get her out of the slum was? Solo sex and orgasms. She discovered a way to give herself love instead of needing others to do so.
Thank you Cecilie for sharing your journey, your advice and all your brilliant thoughts. Oh, and you should all follow her right here.
Hi Cecilie, can you tell us how you ended up writing books, blogging and care so much about wellness?
It just kinda happened. One step took the other. The ball just kept rolling, that’s how it is when you step inside the ‘wellness bubble’.
But if you want me to go back in time, then it all started with an interest in skin. Since I was a teenager, I’ve always loved testing and trying all sorts of skincare products. I started mixing my own kinds when I was 18. It just worked better for me than the products I would buy - and at the same time my interest in everything sustainable started growing so those two things just went hand in hand as I could avoid a lot of waste because of packaging. Then other people started getting interested and in the end I got a book deal.
That’s part of it… but I also started working as a personal trainer around 2009. I simply just needed a job. But then the gym started offering me different types of courses as they needed trainers. I just went with the flow. I actually hate gym classes so I always try to create a class that I wouldn’t hate myself.
That’s how I got to the place where I am today. As you can tell, it was all a bit random…
Do you see wellness as something physical, mental or both?
Well, as a teenager I wanted to look like like the women on MTV. I wanted their bodies, their skin - it was all about beauty, didn’t know how much photoshop and retouching they did on those videos.
But I quickly learned that the better you feel and treat your insides, the better you look and feel on the outside. An example was trying to drink 3 litres of water a day to get better skin, and then realising that I would feel better and less groggy throughout the day as well. That really triggered something in me so I’ve always loved testing all sorts of things. I wanted to understand what worked and how it worked. I’ve documented a lot of those challenges on my blog, and turned it into my book The Challenge Method.
What triggered this interest in mental wellness?
I felt like a bit of an outsider as a kid. I was a bit lonely. And I wanted to be happy. So when things happened, like my first ever heartbreak, I always looked for a way out of the darkness. I tend to don’t let myself get down too much - I’m very focused on solutions. So I’ve always been focused on my mental state and I have always tried to train it. At the end of the day I don’t want to be the person who says “that’s just the way I am”. I don’t accept that. So I google, I listen to Ted Talks, I test and test and test. Some things don’t work, but I know I’m always moving out of the darkness.
My goal when I finished high school was to be happy on Monday mornings. If I can be happy on Monday mornings, then I know I’m in a good place. Because Monday morning is the worst.
How does it affect you when you don’t prioritise your wellness?
I know there’s something wrong when I have a series of Monday’s where I’m not happy. Then I know it’s time for action.
I’ve just been through a period like that during COVID. I looked at my surroundings - but also my inner being. I found out what things I could change and what I could. I should only ever use energy on the things I can change. And if there’s things I can’t change, then I need to change the narrative about those things so they don’t affect me negatively.
But it is also okay to feel shit. It’s about being in your feelings. That is so key. Especially if you always have a 1000 things going on at once. Even though it can be very difficult.
The period I’ve just been through was tough. I was stuck at home. I would normally have gone on a trip or at least gone to a club but I couldn’t. I was forced to accept the situation. In the past I would have started a new project to remove focus away from the darkness - but this time I actually chose to allow myself to be in my feelings to figure out the core of the problem.
Now I’m going deep: my self-esteem has always been about achievements. I felt like nothing when I couldn’t tell people about a project or something I was doing. So I had to be okay with just being me. That I wasn’t doing something that would move me forward. At least not something that was visible. Because internally I was moving a lot. I’ve accepted that today - but it took a long time because I kept trying to set demands for myself like “next week I’ll write a blog post and do some work on my work or start a whole new project”. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy. Some months went past and then I discovered it really didn’t matter and I shouldn’t have to stress about it. I’m out on the other side now but there will always be some days where that feeling comes back.
But I can feel a difference. Like when my flat looks chaotic. In the past I would have panicked and started making everything look perfect. Now I say ‘fuck the dirty clothes’ and I pick up my vibrator instead. I’ll tell you this: I’ve never had as many orgasms as I did during COVID.
Oh, tell us a bit more about that.
I’ve been single and I haven’t felt like letting anyone in. So I’ve explored with myself instead. I wanted to figure out what I needed, what I could give myself. I don’t have a partner so I needed to show myself love. And I did that with orgasms.
It’s very powerful - being able to give yourself love. Imagine if I had just been swiping on Tinder instead - then I wouldn’t have learned to love myself. I didn’t want other things or people to fix my darkness, I wanted to do it myself.
Do you think sex and wellness are connected?
YES. They’re completely connected.
When you’re nurturing your wellness, you feel more sexy. And the other way around. Orgasms and endorphins have a great effect on your wellness.
I’ve spoken to a lot of my single friends about that during COVID. I feel like I’m sensing more openness around it. We’ve bought vibrators and have exchanged stories. It’s been great.
What changes do you wish to see within sex wellness?
Well, I think sex is still seen as a kink in so many ways. I want it to be normalised. Not because I want to hear about my colleagues sex lives. But I wish we could speak about it with our friends. You do it all the time when talking about one night stands - but not when you’re in a long term relationship. And you still need to talk about these things if you’re in a relationship. Your lust and desires change throughout life and it helps to speak about. Especially as the chances are that you and your partner aren’t completely aligned. And if we’re normalising the conversations between friends, then we also make it easier to talk about between partners.
I would also love if we could talk more about solo sex. Many people are single and you don’t need a partner to have amazing sex.
Why is it we can share skincare routines and training sessions but I can’t hear about how to achieve a great orgasm? Let’s change that!
When do you feel the most sexy?
When I feel good in body and mind. When I’m in balance. I don’t have to be super happy but I need to feel calm. That’s also when I’m most attractive. Like… I want to touch myself. Your feelings are representative in how you act. You dress according to your feelings. So it’s obvious when I’m in a good place.
It’s often when I’m travelling that I have the best dates. Mainly because I’m so busy when I’m home in Copenhagen - so intimacy isn’t a focus. But on holiday I’m so relaxed and it affects me.
I’ve tried to incorporate my ‘holiday self’ into my normal everyday life. Like… I walk instead of using my bike as it reminds me of how I move around in NYC. Or I treat myself to a nice coffee (obviously in my own to-go cup). And I try to remember the feeling I have when I’m in a good place… so when I’m busy, I try to go back to that place.
What do you think people can do to feel sexy?
It’s about being honest about which version of yourself you like. If you’re in a place where you’re not happy with yourself, then think: can I change it? If yes, find a way to change it. Spend your energy on that instead of on bad thoughts. Listen to a Ted Talk, look for ways out. There will be other people who have gone through what you’re going through.
Can you give us a tip to how we can prioritise self-care in our everyday?
Prioritise what’s important. Choose your top five of things that really make a difference for you. Then divide them so you do at least one a day and be realistic about how long time it takes. Like, don’t do the hair mask on the days you don’t have time to wash your hair. Do a face mask while you’re brushing your teeth if you’re really busy - but book a massage if you have the whole Sunday free. But you have to make self-care a priority. And I don’t mean the kind you see in the magazines… you don’t need to have a massive bathtub. You can watch Netflix and give your legs a message. Or feet! It’s that easy.
So much good inspiration, thank you Cecilie.
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