cancer, love and lust
Cancer patients go through rehabilitation - for good reason. But not when it comes to figuring out how your mind reacts in regards to intimacy, love and lust. It’s bigger than the physical changes the body is going through; identity, confidence, priorities… there are many layers to what can get affected.
And they’re important to talk about; the more we talk about it, the more we understand it and the easier it’ll be to deal with these things. Whether you are going through, a friend is going through it or maybe your partner.
We were lucky enough to speak to a woman who have gone through breast cancer treatment and we’re so grateful that she was open to telling this story. Thank you for that. This is her experience, her words, her perspective.
I found a bump in my right breast while in the shower. I went to the doctor who thought it was innocent but luckily he put me forward for a check. After the check I got a phone call and was asked to show up in person. I told myself it wasn’t anything serious so I didn’t bring anyone to the conversation. It wasn’t before I saw the look on the doctor’s face that I realised I couldn’t deny it anymore. That kickstarted an operation, 6 months of chemo, side effects and then finally rehabilitation. I felt like I had to work as much as possible to keep myself busy.
My children have since expressed they didn’t understand the seriousness of the illness. That was on purpose; they shouldn’t get scared.
The cancer obviously brought physical changes but it also triggered something in my marriage; I had expected that my husband at the time would step up when I was exhausted after treatment. But he also got very affected because of worries and simply wasn’t able to take over.
The whole experience changed my look on the world and my own identity. I felt betrayed by the body I had always loved; it was good at sport, had given me four children and I liked the look of it. I had a hard time accepting it as I had always been physically active, lived a pretty healthy life, breastfed my children and hadn’t drunk that much. All things which were meant to prevent cancer.
My priorities changed radically, which triggered disagreements in our marriage. My husband wanted us to travel and get as many experiences as possible - while we still were able to. But my focus was survival and seeing my children grow up. We lost our common ground.
I didn’t feel ashamed because of my body, I didn’t feel less sexual - because my husband was good at making me feel as lovely as before. And I believed him.
I did find it difficult to go to the public pool if there were young girls in the changing rooms; they got so scared seeing a body missing a breast.
It ended up in divorce. Not only because of the illness but because our expectations of each other and the future changed. I haven’t found a new partner, so I obviously don’t know if my experience will affect any form of intimacy but I don’t expect it will. But I felt a decrease in libido because of the anti hormone treatment. It’s something I miss. I have dealt with side effects like dryness and soreness with help from my husband and through conversations with friends and women who have been through the same type of cancer treatment. But I think it’s something that should be a part of the rehabilitation.
I don’t think I’ve felt less feminine or less sexy - but I don’t have the same level of lust. And maybe that is something I could have gotten help with from the rehabilitation process?
But I do catch myself feeling a bit jealous when I see a beautiful cleavage which I can’t pull off anymore. So maybe there are some feelings lying underneath the surface?
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