caroline: unlearn pleasing to prioritise yourself
We are constantly reminded of how we all have to be super humans with time to master every aspect of life. Sometimes wellness (and intimacy) can feel like another thing on the to-do-list which we’re extremely aware of here at sitre. We don’t want to create another type of pressure; instead we’re trying to learn how we can give our mind and body the best conditions to thrive.
Caroline Sølver is on a similar journey - and what a journey! She’s basically living all over the world (we won’t give you any spoilers) and can call herself author, blogger, consultant, student and many other things. She is a big believer in chasing your dreams… but she’s also learning that it might not be the dream to do it all at once. Simply because it isn’t possible. We think a lot of us are suffering from this and that’s why it’s so important to have chats like this where we can reflect. There’s not a straight answer to solving this - because of course you should chase your dreams - but it’s by understanding the pressures and saying them out loud that we get closer to understanding our own boundaries. That’s what Caroline is doing at the moment.
Before we skip ahead to the chat with Caroline, we want to share the link to her wonderful Instagram which is always full of tips and inspiration. Find it here.
Hi Caroline, can you start by giving our readers a bit of insight into who you are, what you’re up to and how you are feeling?
Hi sitre! thank you for having me. I am Caroline, 27 years old and always find it hard to describe who I am and what I am up to, as I am all over the place. I was born in Copenhagen, and when I was 18, I moved to Berlin. Since then, I’ve split my time between Copenhagen, New York City and Berlin. I’ve published several guidebooks on Berlin and have two more (on Copenhagen and NYC) in the works. I run a lifestyle universe with a blog, Instagram, podcast as well as a knitting universe with easy recipes, and do great brand partnerships. I am studying for my Master’s in Business Administration and Organizational Communication at Copenhagen Business School, while working freelance with marketing and communication in the fintech and lifestyle field. I travel as much as I can, need a daily cappuccino with oat milk as well as time to read non-fiction, work out a ton and am currently deeply consumed and in love with my puppy, Martha.
You live in three cities; Copenhagen, New York and Berlin. How does each city make you feel different?Copenhagen is my hometown and it’s here I feel most at home and safe. Of course it helps that Copenhagen has been named as the world’s safest city. But it’s also where I can feel the most bored and restless. I get that feeling of “what’s next” when I’ve been in Copenhagen for a few weeks.
I moved to Berlin when I was 18, bought furniture for my own flat, got friends from all over the world and I discovered myself in this city. There’s room for everyone in Berlin, there’s room for development and noise, fun and colours because of the city’s history. I feel very free when I’m in Berlin.
I feel like the main character in a movie when I’m in New York and I go from one ‘pinch me’-moment to another. Like when I drink cocktails at a rooftop bar in high heels - and I’ve arrived in a car with a driver and tinted windows. I don’t get those kinds of experiences in Copenhagen or Berlin.
Besides living in more than one place, you also work as a freelancer (even though you have just started your MA at Copenhagen Business School). What do you think freedom has taught you about happiness?
I’m definitely still trying to figure that out, but it’s about freedom; I have the opportunity to do the things that suit my mood. It’s about being able to plan my life so I can travel when I want and bring my work with me I get to experience the world. A good life and freedom are about collecting experiences and it makes my, for some non traditional, life possible.
Your journey hasn’t been a traditional one. How come you think you had the courage to create your own path like this?
I don’t always feel brave and I often doubt myself but I think it’s because I’m a do’er. I have intentions to do something if I want it or simply say it out loud - and I’ll do a lot to complete it. Everything else would feel like a failure. So, in high school, when I said out loud that my plans were to move to Berlin, then I had to do it. That experience gave me wings and the courage to collect similar experiences and meant I felt I could create an everyday life which supports my life and happiness.
Is being a part-time nomad only fun and games, or does it also challenge you at times?
It is a major challenge in many aspects. I am never really ‘off’; last weekend I had a whole Saturday without opening my computer and I think that was the first time it had happened in three years. I don’t have a regular pay that I can expect every month. I have to wear 1,000s of hats from bookkeeper to recruiter, content manager, journalist, author, photographer, art director, secretary and sometimes I miss having people to bounce ideas off with as it can get very lonely to work alone and be in charge of everything. I also stress a lot because there’s a lot of balls up in the air and I am a part of many companies so I have to constantly dip in and out of their cultures. A lecture at university in the morning, then doing a phone meeting while on my bike about an influencer job, then onto a strategy meeting at one of the companies where I’m a regular part of their business and then I use my evenings on emails and other freelance projects. It’s a lot and it can feel quite full on to navigate.
On the other side I decide how I want things and I have the freedom to take time off and eat brunch on a weekday and it isn’t a challenge to see a dentist plus I can travel. There are definitely a lot of challenges, but the positives outweigh the negatives.
Your generation is known for having extremely high ambition levels and we’ve spoken to you about this before; you have a hard time saying no to things as you would love to be able to do it all. How does this manifest itself in your life?
I’m suffering from a combination of pleaser-syndrome, FOMO and a high sense of obligation to show up. If people ask me for something, invite me to something, or include me, I will say yes because the voice in my head will nag me with “what if you are missing something”, “what if you say no to this opportunity and then you ruin it for yourself” or “what if you don’t help out… then they won’t like you”. Because of this, I find it hard to know my own boundaries and gut feelings. Am I too tired to go to the planned dinner or do I just need to pull myself together? Should I say no to the project because I’m overwhelmed and a bit stressed or should I just work harder? It’s the never-ending problem for me because I find it hard to know what I actually want as there’s so many variables and interests in play.
Can you relate to the way society defines success and do you think this affects you at all?
It’s a massive challenge to be a woman in 2021. We need to be able to do it all and I am feeling that pressure. I need to have a high degree, lots of professional experience, earn money, have a wardrobe full of fancy stuff, live in a beautiful flat (without dust), look good, be fit, eat healthy, work voluntarily, do good things for the world, be a social butterfly with a calendar full of things, experience the world, read books, learn and develop, think about the future, have kids, be responsible and care for the people around me.
No wonder we get stressed and have high expectations of ourselves - I know I do!
When do you feel the best - about your life and yourself?
When I feel I can control my to do list and not the other way around. When I have a planned holiday. After a workout session - whether it’s yoga or cardio. When I feel I can be present with the people I love. When I remember to enjoy life and remind myself of all the things I have.
Are there any acts or rituals you would like to practice (or maybe already is) that feels nurturing and helps you find calmness?
I would love to be better at not filling my calendar to the point where the slightest unforeseen thing will create chaos. I need to incorporate buffers where I don’t need to do anything and that’s where I force myself to relax. If I have the energy to actually do something during these planned buffers, then I have the freedom to do so.
So I practice having less “empty” screen time when I’m home alone. Instead I try to take a timeout with face massages or by reading a book. My average screen time is 2,5 hours and I’m pretty happy about that as it’s pretty low compared to how much I use my phone for work.
Finally: If you were going to give someone a tip on how to create their own path without being affected by the traditional road laid out by society, what would you tell them to do?
If there’s something you really want to do, do it. It sounds like a cliche but it’s really just about chasing the dream - and if you want it enough, then you’ll make it happen. In regards to people’s expectations and whatever else that’s creating a barrier, then I think we should all be better at saying “is the neighbour, society, or whoever has an opinion, paying my bills?”- “no, I am paying my bills” “am I hurting anyone by going a more untraditional way?” - “no, but maybe someone feels jealous, or I’m hurting their ego, but that’s not my problem”. This way no one has the right to judge and decide how you live your life. At the end of the day it’s your life and your happiness. That’s what I try to remind myself of.
Thank you Caroline for sharing your journey.
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