alexandra: intimacy is as important as orgasms
Intimacy is so important and essential that some people make it their life mission to help others with everything sex, lust and desires. Alexandra Suarez is one of these people.
We loved this interview as we really got deep into the big questions such as what Alex thinks are the biggest barriers to get a fulfilling sex life. And then there’s her own journey - because how do you actually become a sexologist?
Go follow Alex right here - and we hope you’ll enjoy this conversation as much as we did.
Hi Alexandra, can you start by telling us a bit about yourself and what you do?
Hi Julie! So nice to be taking part in this interview with sitre <3
The short version: forever lover, dancer, woman, daughter, sister and friend brought to your lovely screen all the way from Berlin. I am a sexologist in training born in Colombia and raised in sunny California. My work is dedicated to exploring the intersection of love and sexuality — from the relationship we have with our bodies, to the way we see sex, intimacy and connect with others. To understand how relationships work, why passion dies, why we cheat. To explore desire, heartbreak, pain, and the beautiful intensity that comes with human connection.
The slightly longer version:
My fascination with the topic of sexuality goes back to my early 20s when I first took a history of sexuality class in my freshman year of uni. I fell head over heels in love with it, and went on to study it for the next four years. For three years I was able to work in the field, first as a sex educator and then as a community health worker. To this day, I still carry with me the stories from all the patients I counseled. Telling someone that their HIV test had come back positive, doing options counseling for a young woman uncertain of what her future might hold now that she was pregnant, watching a patient break down in tears, another one smiling and sighing in relief. Their stories inspired me and broke my heart all at the same time taking me on my current path to become a relationship and sex counsellor.
We’re curious: how do you train to become a sexologist?
Sexology is incredibly versatile and can take those interested working in this field on very different paths. It requires formal education like any other discipline and a background in psychology, social work, medicine, counseling, marriage and family therapy or nursing. Most people specialize by completing a postgraduate diploma, master's degree or PhD in sexology, clinical psychosexology, or clinical sexology (that was a mouthful haha). For those interested in working as a counselor or therapist, further certification/licensing is needed. My path is unique in that I want to work within a healing framework as a sex counselor. This is not the case for everybody. Some people will go into research and education, while others will focus on pleasure and the somatic side of sexuality and work as sex coaches. Two great examples of this would be Juliet Allen and Jaiya from MissJaiya.
We think it’s so admirable that you’re working to create a more open conversation around everything intimacy. What triggered this journey?
I've always been fascinated by sexuality and how something that is physically so intimate, so vulnerable and raw (literally someone's body part going inside of you), can also be so detached and lack any kind of intimacy. It's such a mindfuck (no pun intended haha). As part of my work it became very clear early on that beyond opening up the conversation on love and sex, I wanted my clients to reflect on the many ways they relate to one another and how this translates into creating moments where intimacy can take place (or not). By focusing on intimacy it is also my intention to remove penetration from the stand on which it currently stands. My philosophy on sex is one in which intimacy is just as important, if not more, than having an orgasm. When reaching climax becomes the primary focus of sex, we miss out on an opportunity to connect with our partners on a deeper level. Sex becomes performative, goal-oriented rather than a journey or experience to be shared with someone else.
What trends are you seeing within sexology at the moment?
That's a very interesting question. There is a growing trend of women and men working in sexual wellness, particularly pertaining to pleasure, orgasms, and the dismantling of toxic masculinity. Some have a formal background in sexology, others don't. On a societal level, public discourse focusing on transgender inclusion and the use of gender neutral pronouns is becoming more prominent. A lot of work still needs to take place to bring greater equality, but I'm happy to see that people are waking up to the injustices and discrimination the LGBTQ community still faces. Lastly, trends show an increase in the use of internet or bluetooth app-connected sex devices/toys. There is an amazing series on Vice called Slutever (hosted by Karley Sciortino) that delves into topics such as virtual reality porn, ecosexuality and robot sex. Super interesting! Highly recommend it to anyone that wants to learn more about what's out there :P
What do you think is the biggest barrier in terms of people not having a fulfilling sex life?
A lack of presence. While social media and technology has brought us closer in many ways, it has also created a sense of disconnection from ourselves and others. The first thing and last thing most of us do when we wake up or go to bed is to check our phones. With this one small action, we are no longer in the present...we are immersed in work emails, dreading our 3pm meeting, gushing over our friend's instagram story and scrolling mindlessly through our feed. The opportunity for sex and connection with our partner has slipped away. If you want to have a more fulfilling sex life, ditch the phone and be in the present...physically, mentally and emotionally.
Do you think it’s a challenge for people to reach out to get help in regards to their lust, desires and sexual journey?
Absolutely. Most couples seek relationship and sex counselling when it's too late. I think the challenge is partly due to the fact that we are terrified by the thought of having truly honest conversations with ourselves and those closest to us. The ramifications of disclosing our desires and opening up to our partners about our reality are far too great.. so we suppress, compartmentalize and live out separate existences. I realize I'm focusing on couples here, but the same applies to individuals questioning their sexual or gender identity. It is precisely because sex is at our core and is so central to our sense of self, that it is challenging for people reach out to get help. It doesn't have to be this way, but it does require clinicians to create a safe space in which individuals can open up free of judgement of any kind.
How can we help people (or help them help themselves) feel free to explore their desires?
There are several ways to help people explore their desires. One way is through comprehensive sex education — to normalize different types of sexual behaviors, however unconventional they may seem in the eyes of society, and remove the stigma surrounding them. Another way to help people explore their desires is by investing in a robust sexual health infrastructure so that STI testing and family planning services are widely available, affordable and accessible. Lastly, and most importantly, by creating communities and safe spaces in which honest conversations can take place and individuals can explore their own unique sexuality.
What do you think of the stories that are told about sex and what changes would you like to see?
Such a great question! I would love to see stories in which penetrative sex is the only or superior kind of sex, change into a more holistic view of sexuality. To me at least, sex doesn't start with penetration and end in orgasm. Sex starts with an intimate look, a kiss, a touch sending ripples down your spine. Sex is happening as we lick, suck and bite, as we breathe and melt into each other so that there is no I or you...''so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” I want to see more poetry and Neruda lines when we talk about sex.
Finally: If you were going to give someone who just felt overwhelmed one tip in regards to get a more fulfilling sex life, what would it be?
The short version: Lose your mind and delve into your senses <3
The slightly longer version:
What comes easy won’t last long; what lasts long won’t come easy. If you are in a relationship and you're serious about keeping the sexual spark alive, it will require work and willingness from both sides.
Responsive desire and sexual energy can be cultivated and heightened through:
• (Taoist) Meditation
• Fluent Body Work through dancing or yoga
• Bringing awareness to your breath by practicing breath work
• Sublimation of sexual energy by practicing edging with your partner
• And lastly, but certainly not least, eating with your hands while staring out of the window. With this one simple activity you are engaging all of your senses. If you are interested in taking it one step further, make love to a fig...or better yet, ravish it ;)
This was so inspiring. Thank you Alex!
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