sille: I see myself in a new light after becoming a mother
Photo by Ocean Productions.
We chose to include a pregnant model in our first ever shoot. The reason being that we felt the way we spoke about pregnancy, motherhood and parenthood felt very narrow-minded in our mind. Especially intimacy felt completely forgotten in the conversation about motherhood. Since then I, Julie and co-founder of sitre, have become a mother myself and it has only confirmed how important it is to create more honesty around this subject. Luckily there are other people out there feeling the same and opening up about this topic. Sille Buchmann is one of these. She’s a mother of two and on a journey to figuring out who she is outside being a mother. It’s a complex topic but we think her thoughts are some that many of us can recognise. Thank you Sille for opening up about something that can feel very fragile. Please make sure to follow her on Instagram where she shares glimpse of her life and let us into her thoughts - also the private ones.
Hi Sille, could you start by telling us a bit about who you are and how you’re feeling at the moment?
I’m 27 years old and a mother of two - with only 1,5 years between them. Right now I’m on maternity so all my focus goes to being a mum and trying to make the everyday the best it can be for all of us. I feel good and I feel like I’m in a good place in my life, in the middle of everything I’ve dreamt of and besides all the chaos, I feel genuinely happy. That said - I’ve been on maternity for over two years and I am starting to feel that I’ve started a journey where I’m trying to figure out who I am besides being a mother. What are my needs and what do I like? It’s a journey that’s hard but also very exciting - and I am figuring myself out more and more everyday and finding a way “back”.
You’re many incredible things and being a mum is one of them. When did you become a mother and how did that impact your identity do you think?
I became a mother when I gave birth to my daughter a bit over two years ago. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother - and that I would be good at it. I’ve never been the type with big career dreams but I’ve dreamt about making a close knitted family with space and time.
Despite my relatively young age, many of my friends had had children before me, and this made me feel a bit left out for a long time. When I became a mother, it was like finally landing where I belonged. Becoming a mother has been a bit like finding home for me. My focus for so many years has been on becoming a mother, and then finding my role in motherhood means that I’ve only now begun to think about my identity beyond motherhood, and as mentioned, it is a journey I am still on.
When becoming a parent, some people say they feel reborn. It can feel like a completely new state for both body and mind which is bound to affect one’s intimacy. How do you think motherhood affected your intimate feelings?
I definitely feel born again, and there are so many parts of myself that I see in a new way, including intimacy. I'm suddenly someone's mother and that "role" is hard to let go of, even if it's just for a while. Many things seem to be put in a different perspective when you become parents.
One thing is how I see myself in intimate contexts, another thing is time and energy, which there isn’t quite as much of with small children. Intimacy is something we must actively choose now, rather than it happening spontaneously and then I found prioritising it has been difficult when I already have so little time for myself.
My body is different and it has taken time to get to know it all over again and to accept that it isn't the same as before. I have felt very disconnected from my body and didn't feel like it belonged to me, but my baby.
Do you have the same needs and wants in regards to pleasure after you’ve become a mother?
In reality, I probably have higher "demands" than I had before, I have a greater need to feel cared for and to feel seen. And I need us to make time for it and make an effort.
The transitions after are not just physical, they’re mental too. And it can be hard for partners to completely read each other - and it can be challenging to vocalise too. How have you navigated this in your relationship?
Fortunately, we have always been able to be really open about it and talk a lot about it together. It clearly helps that we can align expectations and talk openly about each other's needs and desires. We accept that we are at a place in our lives where that part may not have as much focus, but are both also aware that it is only for a limited period of time and that it is not something that should put an extra stress factor on us. For us, it is important to show love in other ways too so that we do not end up just being a team in a busy everyday life. Talking honestly about it helps a lot.
Photo by Ocean Productions
You can take birth classes, there’s a lot of baby activities available as a new mum… but when it comes to intimacy, there’s not always as much openness or help to find. How has the new intimate phase affected you?
It really should be something we could talk about more openly. Becoming parents is a huge change, both mentally and physically, and there is nothing abnormal or strange in the fact that intimacy also changes. There is a lot of focus on these 8 weeks, when most people get the green light after that, and then there is a bit of an expectation that you just have to start again. Intimacy is definitely important in a relationship, but I feel that we need to be guided a bit more in terms of getting ready mentally as well. I can only speak from my own perspective and becoming a mother - and for me it is clearly the mental part rather than the physical that has required the most work in relation to intimacy.
Has it ever triggered any shame or taboos?
Not really for me, but I'm also very open about such topics and feel it's a very natural thing to talk about. But we live in a society where enormously high demands are placed on us women and especially mothers. We have to be the perfect mother, a good girlfriend, a present friend, remember to take care of ourselves and at the same time make sure we don't get too stressed.
I have really needed to lower all expectations of intimacy and approach in a new, calm way. For many, it won't be the same as before when you have small children, but maybe that's okay too, and maybe it can even get better if we get better at communicating about it.
How have you worked on the intimate relationship to yourself and how are you finding this journey?
First of all, I have talked a lot with my partner, and made it clear to him what I need and what I don't need. I practice speaking nicer about myself and doing things where I can feel myself and where I don't necessarily have to be anything to anyone.
Some people have also shared that they after a while actually feel more sexually free after becoming a parent as they get a new perspective on their body. This is not to say that everyone will feel like this but have you experienced any positives after entering motherhood?
As mentioned earlier, I feel that I am on a bit of a journey, with my body, my mind and in my relationship. I'm not quite there yet, but I can easily understand why some feel more free in the intimate space after becoming parents. My boyfriend and I have acquired a completely different language in those areas and it has actually been really nice and liberating that we have been able to be completely honest with each other.
What changes would you like to see within the space of motherhood and intimacy?
I hope we can talk more openly about the fact that it can be really difficult to feel your body, desires and needs when you have become parents and that not everyone is ready mentally even if the body is. I hope we gain a greater understanding of what the female body goes through during a pregnancy and after a birth, it takes a lot of work to get back in touch with it and it's not something you should feel pressured about.
Finally: what would you say to someone if they were finding themselves feeling disconnected from their lust, body and intimate relationship with themselves and their partner?
Talk about it! And be honest. It doesn't have to be negative that the desire might not be there, and it doesn't necessarily come back by itself. Say what you need to find it again and give each other space and time to explore.
The time you have small children is so short in the grand scheme of things, don't stress about things not being as they used to be, it will come again. Most important thing is open communication and mutual respect.
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