sexiness when trying to conceive
Photo by Petra Kleis for sitre
Some names have been changed in this article.
When we speak about sex, we often speak about how to make it the most pleasurable. We speak about lust, desires, fantasies. The goal is to orgasm or to please or to feel good or to feel close to your partner. But (yes of course there’s a but), when you’re trying for a baby there’s suddenly a different goal… and that’s pregnancy. Suddenly sex doesn’t seem like a want but a need.
That is bound to have some kind of effect. Especially as sex is most pleasurable if you can turn off all the life thoughts. We can all relate to thinking about things like work, the grocery list, the laundry… now imagine if you have to think about whether or not this experience will result in a baby.
sitre is here to have honest and real conversations about sex to help everyone to feel sexy. Also parents who are trying to get pregnant. We believe that is by talking about it that we can make sure that no one feels alone, making the thoughts and challenges easier to handle as we can look towards others who have gone through the same.
We spoke to four people who have all been in this situation and asked them what kind of changes they saw once they started trying for a baby. Not one answer was the same because every journey is different. We’re so thankful for everyone who spoke to us.
Sarah, first time pregnant
Did your idea of sex change after you decided to try for a baby?
Definitely. I’d love to say that it didn’t, but from that very first month there was a definite shift in thinking, I think for us both. That’s not to say it was any less enjoyable, if anything the first few months were a lot of fun with a lot of sex. But I was acutely aware that it was different as that could have been the time our baby was made. Oh how naive was I…
Did you track your cycle or did you just have sex as you would have done before you started trying?
To begin with, no. We just had a lot of sex. I had some idea about roughly when I might ovulate but we decided to just crack on to try to alleviate some of the pressure.
Did you feel the pressure to get pregnant was shared between you and your partner?
I do, although in the first few months I think I felt it much more acutely than my husband. Every month my period arrived felt like I’d failed to do the most natural thing in the world. I knew that it could take time and the rational part of my brain tried to tell me I was being ridiculous, unfortunately the irrational part of my brain often won out!
Did you feel like you still had sex for the pleasure or did it become more functional?
There was a fine line between the functionality of sex and it just being for pleasure. There were definitely times when it was functional but I always enjoyed it, though I’m not sure my husband would always agree.
Looking back, is there anything you would have liked to have done differently?
Knowing what I know now, I don’t think I would have done anything differently. If anything, I’d have gone to the doctor sooner. We are expecting our first baby in 6 weeks following our first round of ivf and unfortunately our chances of conceiving naturally were pretty slim. From the moment we knew what our issues were, we knew what our plan was and could deal with it. That’s not to say we didn’t have hard times, ivf is fucking hard work, but we always felt like we at least had some control. When you’re trying to conceive and nothing is happening month after month you start to feel quite helpless so having that knowledge was quite empowering.
Do you have any tips for other couples who are trying to get pregnant?
Trust your instincts. If you feel that something isn’t right, go get it checked out. Everyone will tell you to relax and that’s great. But it doesn’t work for everyone. And finally, knowledge is power, it’s been the one thing that has helped me feel in control of our fertility ‘journey’. Also, wine helps (although technically it doesn’t help your fertility so maybe take that one with a pinch of salt).
Lea, second time pregnant
Did your idea of sex change after you decided to try for a baby?
To me, it became more exciting at first and something that mattered on another level than before. Because we might be making a baby. And in a way that feeling stuck through the process. However after a while and with the ovulation test, tracking periods and such, it became mixed with a feeling of a task, or even more a feeling that it was important that it should not become a task. So I also felt guilty when it was. I remember it as both ideas mixed together.
Did you track your cycle or did you just have sex as you would have done before you started trying?
Yes I used ovulation test relatively quickly after starting.
Did you feel the pressure to get pregnant was shared between you and your partner?
No, I felt the pressure to get pregnant was heavier on me because I had to take the ovulation test, keep track of my period and was the one who knew the day when we would know whether I was pregnant was getting closer. I felt like my boyfriend could better maintain the spontaneous and relaxed approach to sex because he didn't have to think of cycles. Especially because I in the beginning made a conscious decision not to tell him when I was ovulating etc. - because I felt it was better if one of us didn't think that way.
Did you feel like you still had sex for the pleasure or did it become more functional?
The timing became more functional, and less based on lust, but I felt that once you got going the pleasure part was the same most of the time.
Looking back, is there anything you would have liked to have done differently?
I think I was too concerned about it not becoming planned or functional - and therefore I also chose to involve my boyfriend less in cycles etc. than I perhaps needed. In the end when I did share more, it actually helped, and I didn't feel like it took out all the spontaneous part of sex. However I still think it is important not to over-talk it, but it's hard to find the right balance, so I think it’s something that you have to consider often when you're trying whether you have found the right balance for you as a couple.
Emily, mother to a 2-year-old
Did your idea of sex change after you decided to try for a baby?
Yes. It felt like it had a bigger purpose and had less focus on pleasure than normally.
Did you track your cycle or did you just have sex as you would have done before you started trying?
When I started trying to get pregnant we thought it would happen quickly - max two months. So when it didn’t, I got impatient and started religiously to check my cycle with an app and have sex at all the right times.
Did you feel the pressure to get pregnant was shared between you and your partner?
My partner was luckily very relaxed about it. He wanted me to get pregnant but didn’t stress at all - unlike me. That really helped me. I think it’s partly because the man isn’t the one who has to try to notice or feel if there’s any signs of ovulation or pregnancy - because that’s a constant reminder.
Did you feel like you still had sex for the pleasure or did it become more functional?
It became a lot more functional around ovulation and more focused on pleasure in the days around it. It actually ended up feeling like a relief to get over the ovulation because then we could “just relax” and have sex because we enjoyed it without thinking about having to do it at exactly the right time.
Looking back, is there anything you would have liked to have done differently?
Looking back I would probably have wished I could relax more about the process and not stress that much about not getting pregnant straight away. But you don’t know that when you start… but maybe it would have helped me to do yoga or if I had gone for more runs just to get my body to relax a bit.
Do you have any tips for other couples who are trying to get pregnant?
Track your cycle with an app and keep an eye on discharge. Around the time you ovulate it’ll change and become more transparents and elastic. And then I also quickly noticed that I became more horny around the time of ovulation.
Celina, mother to a 1,5-year-old
Did your idea of sex change after you decided to try for a baby?
Not really - we got pregnant in the very first try so I only have that one experience to base it on. Especially as this was the only time we had sex around the ovulation.
Did you track your cycle or did you just have sex as you would have done before you started trying?
I had tracked my cycle for years. I have been on many different birth controls and they all altered my cycle. So this was not new to me. I did however download an app when we decided called Fertility Friend where you can track sex, how your body is, the different fluids or dryness. So we did have sex in the “green days in the app”.
Did you feel the pressure to get pregnant was shared between you and your partner?
None of us had any pressure as it happened so quickly. I had however taken a test to get my egg reserve checked and it had come back with “lower than average for my age” which made us try earlier than initially had planned.
Did you feel like you still had sex for the pleasure or did it become more functional?
That one time was quite pleasurable. No joking aside as it happened the first time we never experienced the more functional part of it. We were lucky!
Looking back, is there anything you would have liked to have done differently?
No it all happened very easily.
Do you have any tips for other couples who are trying to get pregnant?
Track your cycle and get to know your own body and all the signs. I have started looking at this much more after the birth of our girl. Also, if you know you might want children in the near future stop with hormonal birth control and switch to something that doesn’t interfere with your natural balance.
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