emma: dear vulva
sitre is on a mission to create a more honest, real and mindful take on intimacy, sexiness, the body, lust and desire. Luckily we’re not the only ones pushing to create space for everyone to be themselves. Emma Libner is a Danish activist, podcaster, reporter, debater and lots more - and is best known as ‘Kind Regards the Vulva’ (DK: KH Underlives) which is her platform for everything gender, sexuality, periods and… the vulva. We loved chatting to her about her journey, why she thinks we still need to challenge the taboos and how setting boundaries might mean saying goodbye to the people who aren’t for you.
You can follow Emma right here on Instagram.
Hi Emma, can you start by giving the readers a bit of intro to who you are and what the meaning is behind ‘Kind Regards The Vulva’ (DK: KH Underlivet)?
I'm a lot of things but most of all I’m the person who posts about periods on social media that triggers you to hide your phone a bit when you’re scrolling through Instagram on public transport haha. I used to dream about becoming a news reporter and I have a degree in Journalism. But then I “discovered” the debate about gender, body and sexuality and decided to specialise in this field. The only problem was that it wasn’t particular sexy to write about these topics in the Danish media as it was before the first round of #metoo. That’s how I got the idea to create my own platform instead.
Kind Regards the Vulva is a blog, a podcast and an instagram dedicated to all things vulvas. It’s easy to find information about periods, discharge, sex and STIs on the internet but the author is often very distant from the receiver’s reality and that can create more doubt and shame than trust in my opinion. That’s why I wanted to talk about these topics in a more honest and inclusive way where I included my own experience to help remove stigma and taboos.
I’m especially interested in the culture around bodies marked as female and the feelings that stick to these bodies in our society. As a result my take on Kind Regards the Vulva is not to pretend to be a doctor but to investigate why we for example feel shame and wrongness around something as natural as periods and how we learn to navigate such feelings.
What triggered you to start ‘Kind Regard The Vulva’ and how has the project changed since the beginning?
I started Kind Regards the Vulva around four years ago because there wasn’t anything like it. If you wanted to seek out information about the vulva, you had limited options like the online doctor, government sites or organisations like Sex & Samfund (sex and society). Representations of the vulva in other contexts would typically be in porn or through commercials for things like bikini waxes in women’s magazines. That was it. It frustrated me that topics that were important to me - and so many others - were so rarely represented in relatable ways.
My own relationship to my body has always been shaped by norms and ideals and not so much by knowledge and facts. This has meant that I have missed out on a lot of exciting and important insights about myself, my body and my sexuality. So Kind Regards the Vulva also started a personal journey for me where I got to understand myself better.
Today Kind Regards the Vulva is a platform for everyone who wants to join the conversation where we exchange experiences and learn together. This collective exchange and naming of experiences not only creates a greater understanding but also a sense of okayness and belonging.
We love following you as you speak about the body, sexuality, gender and everything in-between in a very honest and empowering way. Have you (and do you) always felt confident in your own body and sexuality?
Not at all. Kind Regards the Vulva started with me trying to stand by myself and my own body even though it felt difficult. It still does sometimes and that’s okay. The most important thing for me is that we can talk about our experiences. Something that has really surprised me is the fact that both young girls and women around my mother’s age follow Kind Regards the Vulva and engage in the conversation. This to me underlines that there is still a need to speak about the vulva outside the dominating medical and sexual discourses - and this need has been there for a long time.
I think some of the most important things about these topics, which both sitre and Kind Regards the Vulva are involved with, is that you understand that it’s not you there’s something wrong with just because you feel wrong. A lot of it is to do with societal discourse and power structures which are almost impossible to change on an individual level. That might sound depressing but I personally see it as an invitation to take some of the pressure off our own shoulders and instead try to see ourselves with kinder eyes. Even when our vulvas have a burning itch, our periods cause us pain, our sexual desires are at an all time low or when our fertility seems to fail us.
Has your relationship to your own sexuality and body changed since you started this debatting/podcasting/writing journey?
YES! The Emma who started Kind Regards the Vulva isn’t the same who sits here now - and that’s meant in the best possible way. I am for example a lot more comfortable in my own body and have found peace with my sexuality which used to feel very static but now feels like one big playground with room to explore and love on a deeper level. And - with a little help from #metoo - I’ve also become better at setting boundaries.
You put the spotlight on a lot of subjects that are still tainted by taboos such as periods, masturbation, STIs. Why do you think the world still has so far to go when it comes to sexual and intimate health and how do you think these taboos affect us?
The patriarchy feeds on oppression of the feminine and shame is a highly effective tool to ensure that people abide by the (unwritten) rules of society. Because of this the taboos related to periods and sex are overly unbalanced as it’s the feminine (or the non-masculine) that suffers the effects of them. If we want true equality it’s therefore essential that we address these structural inequalities.
If we look closer at menstruation then it’s for example obvious that the society is still organised around a non-menstruating body as the ideal. Just think about how few public toilets that have pads or tampons readily available just like other essentials such as toilet paper and soap. Or how little workplaces take into consideration the fact that many of their employees have a menstrual cycle that affects them even though we know that a lot of people suffer from disabling period pains every month.
When I wrote my dissertation on Danish period culture last year I was surprised to find how many of my interviewees implied that they still fear bleeding through their clothes in public. That was actually a recurring thread throughout my research - bleeding through your clothes was a clear sign of the body failing to live up to society’s ideals. The interesting thing was that the fear of revealing one’s menstruating nature was rarely told in a direct way but rather through telltale signs like hiding tampons in sleeves, wearing darker clothes while menstruating and visiting the toilet more often to check for period stains.
You’re pushing all your followers to use a more honest, real and empowering language to describe the vulva and sexuality. sitre is on a similar journey as we want to create space for a more real and honest take on intimacy. But one thing is using this language on Instagram amongst like minded people, another thing is using it in private. How do you think we can help create a more open communication between partners about sexuality and intimacy?
There’s a lot of layers to it but I think a good place to start is to become aware of how we are all shaped by the culture that we’re a part of. This is the first step to unlearning beliefs and patterns that don't serve us. For me personally this has also meant that I’ve met a lot of raised eyebrows in my sexual relations because I’ve been very direct about my needs and boundaries, which have not always lived up to the norm. But instead of being sad about those rejections I rather see it as a sign that those people weren’t for me. The people who have been for me are the ones who are open and willing to listen. You can’t force anyone to join your sexual journey. My experience is that if you understand that, then it’ll be easier to accept a rejection.
Sometimes it’s hard to even to know how you really feel yourself in regards to everything sex and body related. Because how do you know if you want to shave your legs or if you’re purely doing it because that’s what you’ve always seen in the media. Are you at a place where you feel in sync with your own needs, desires and wants? And if not, what are you doing to get there?
That’s a really good point - thank you for highlighting it. I’m still on a journey where I’m trying to figure out some of these things. Body hair has been a recurring theme throughout my life and I think a lot of people can relate to that. Luckily I got a wonderful partner who is very open and gives me daily reminders to do exactly as I please. I can highly recommend that!
I also try to let myself dare to try different things and then try to reflect on what feels authentic and nice for me. Recently I for example tried to let my pubic hair grow without trimming it as I usually do. I truly believed that if I was just bold enough to let it grow then I would love it - but after a couple of weeks without trimming I was going crazy over all that hair. It just wasn’t for me! I had never figured that out if I hadn’t tried it and now I know that I trim my hair because I want to and not because I feel like I have to.
Finally, what tips would you give someone who wanted to understand themselves better in regards to their body, sexuality and desires?
It’s hard to say as there’s no ‘one size fits all’ answer because the things that work for me - a white, cisgendered, queer, able-bodied person who live up to the conventional beauty ideals - don’t necesarilly work for others. But with that in mind, I believe there’s a lot who would benefit from lowering their expectations to themselves (myself included!). I know that it’s hard to do in a world that profits from people’s bad self esteem. I recommend finding good people to connect and share experiences with - whether it’s online or away from keyboard.
I also think a lot of people would benefit from considering who they’re following on social media. Instagram is full of profiles that preach (sexual) health and wellness in ways that are not always beneficial to the individual person following along. And if there’s something the world doesn’t need more of it’s another profile that tells people with vulvas that they’re wrong or need fixing. I stay far away from those kinds of profiles as I know from experience how it affects my mental health negatively. Instead I recommend following profiles that bring diversity to your feed and which empower you to learn and grow.
Thank you Emma for sharing your journey and thoughts.
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