mille: we need honest conversations about crying our hearts out
Stories matter - which is why we try to give the spotlight to as many people as possible. Because every perspective is different and the more we kind of stories we’re told, the better chance there is of no one feeling shamed, alone or wrong. Mille Holkenfeldt has a similar mission and we love following her journey, which has taken her from Denmark to New York… with many stops on the way. We could really mirror ourselves in her story and we hope you’ll find her honesty as comforting as we did. Make sure to follow her here for more.
Hi Mille, can you start by giving us a quick insight into who you are and what you’re up to at the moment?
My name is Mille, I am 23 years old. I would describe myself as a very honest, open-minded spirit. I strive to speak up and am trying to change status quo. On my Instagram I describe myself as your new online friend, which I think sums up the person I want to be.
I have CO-founded the Danish Youth Magazine SEINmag and I work as a freelance writer. I am currently living in New York City because I am an intern at the Consulate General of Denmark in New York where I work with strategic press and communications. Living in New York has already made me think different and has put my life in a new perspective. Both because poverty and climate changes have affected the city in a heartbreaking way. But also, because I have suddenly grown up. I feel empowered and frightened on the time, I have met amazing people, I have never been so lonely in my whole life, I am grateful for my Danish privileged life and finally I have never been more desperately in love with my boyfriend who lives back in Copenhagen.
You’re a part of SEIN, a magazine for and by the youth, and have previously worked for the newspaper Dagbladet Information where you’ve pushed for stories about the youth. News about the youth seems like a big mission of yours - what triggered this drive?
When I was younger, I wasn’t like the others. I didn’t want to drink alcohol and lose my virginity. I had a lot of anxiety, I was nerdy (which wasn’t cool back then) and I was so unhappy with the way my body looked. Actually, I felt like I was failing at life. I felt left out. I felt alone with all this. And I thought to myself: why isn’t anyone talking about this stuff? I couldn’t be the only one having these feelings and thoughts. So, I decided to speak up about it. The teenage years are so fundamental for how the rest of our lives are going to be, so I think it’s important that we tell all of the stories. Not just the ones about success and happiness but also the ones about crying your heart out and the way it really feels to fail an exam. And that was the beginning of my journey.
Today I think the biggest problem is that especially politicians and traditional kinds of medias don’t give room to young people’s voices. We don’t get a seat the table. Even though we are the ones who are going to be (and eventually lead the world) here for the next decades. So, I fight for our voice. I fight for bridging the gap between the different generations so we can make the world a better place.
What role do you think stories play in society?
Stories equals power. Stories make us feel. Stories and descriptions make us identify and understand each other. When I tell you my story it makes you understand why I do the things I do. But stories can also divide us and our perception of reality.
You’ve previously spoken about getting to know and love your body. How do you feel about your body today and how did you get to this place?
Most days I love my body. I love its ability to do things such as breathing, being present, eating candy, go for hikes, making love to my boyfriend, sleeping in nature, working 10 hours a day. Coming to this stage have been a long and difficult journey. I have spent so much time being furious that it didn’t look like how I thought it should. I have starved myself; I have yelled at my body; I have been going out for runs to punish myself and I have been weighing myself several times a day. But it has only made me feel worse. I started to realize that even the girls with the “perfect” body were unhappy sometimes as well. First, I was shocked but then I found out that it’s true that beauty comes from the inside. Beauty is not a size or a number. Beauty is a feeling, and that feeling comes from the people you surround yourself with and the way you talk to and about yourself.
But I also have to say: some days I hate my body. Hate all the feelings inside eg. when I feel anxious. Or hate the way it looks because I have gained weight or have body hair growing out on my chest or on my chin. I really try to breathe and think twice. Because hating it doesn’t do any good for me.
sitre is on a mission to create a more honest and inclusive take on sex - and that also includes challenging the narrative we’ve been told about a ‘sexy body’. Do you relate to the stories you’ve grown up with about sex?
I went to a high school where there was one ideal body. The guys had to be trimmed and the girls had to have perfect skin, be skinny and wear special fashion brands. That was a sexy body. And that became my definition of what a sexy body should look like. I was very insecure about that, because I wasn’t skinny in that sense and a lot of the very skinny girls called themselves fat. But if they were fat, what was I then? So, the first many times me and my first boyfriend had sex I covered my stomach because I didn’t want him to see it.
As for the stories I grew up with about sex - I don’t know. Because I didn’t know a lot about sex – I thought it was penetration, making the guy orgasm and that I would get pregnant almost by looking at an erect penis. Sex was quick. It was something the others did at the high school proms on the toilets or super-duper vodka drunk after a party. I was just confused. How could that be nice?
Do you think we need more openness about intimacy - and do you think it’s even possible or are there too many barriers?
Today I know that sex is much more than that. Sex can be power. It can be relaxation. It can be revenge. It can be with yourself, with one other or multiples. It can be painful. And for me most importantly – it can be love and give you a deeper connection. I know that sex can feel amazing. And that sex is important for a relationship (if you ask my mom, it is actually the key to a long-lasting marriage). I only know this because of me and my partners curiosity.
I am lucky that I have such a good relationship and understanding of sex. Because I know that a lot of other young people struggle with their perception of what sex is and “should” be. Therefore, I love what eg. you guys, Peech and the writers behind The Wonder Down Under are doing. I hope that the future brings even more people and organizations that speaks up about sex, intimacy and vulnerability from a male, nonbinary, or transgender perspective so we can have a more open conversation.
Finally: what makes you feel empowered and free to be exactly who you are - if anything?
When I am outside on the Danish countryside and in the ocean. It’s impossible to be angry and feel bad when I’m looking at beautiful flowers, fields, or swimming in the ocean. No matter the weather. Being in a concrete jungle like New York has made me miss the Danish Ocean and countryside SO much. I long for it to become August so I can return to my parents’ cottage in the Northwestern part of Sjælland with my boyfriend and feel nature surround me.
Thank you Mille for sharing your story.
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