jozefina: we need to normalise the ugly, bad and good parts of motherhood
We’re so curious about how your desires change with your mood, life, body, situation. And pregnancy and being a new parent are both moments in life when most people will feel a change in their intimate patterns. But it can be very hard to navigate as there’s a lot of other things going on at the same time - and the conversations with “officials” often feel more like pressure than anything else. Luckily there’s some pioneers within the field that we love following - and Jozefina Skovgaard is leading the honest conversations within this field. She speaks about being a mother in such a down to earth way where everyone can feel included - also if you feel like you’re doing everything wrong. She will tell you that it’s okay. Please go follow her on Instagram here, you’ll be doing yourself a big favour.
Hi Jozefina, could you start by telling us a bit about who you are and how you’re feeling at the moment?
I’m a mother, an entrepreneur, a mentor and creator of the first Danish programme for postpartum counselors. At the moment I’m 24 weeks pregnant with my second child, and unlike my first pregnancy, I’m feeling so good and at ease with my body and myself. Maybe I’ll change my mind in 5 to 10 weeks when the baby gets heavier to carry, but so far I’m just enjoying the ride, and preparing myself to go through the portal of birth and postpartum once again.
We love following you on Instagram where you talk about motherhood in such an honest, raw and down-to-earth way. How did you end up in this field?
Thank you! I first became a mother 4 years ago, and it changed me completely and radically. I was expecting to enjoy every aspect of motherhood and for it to be so inherent and natural, but I was shaken to my core to discover how difficult and full of ambivalence my journey would be.
I just felt and experienced a multitude of unexpected emotions but had no words to express what I was going through. I didn't know what was going on and what was happening to me, but I knew that there was something deeply wrong with the way we talk about motherhood and treat mothers.
Studying has always been my way of coping, so I took a postpartum doula training while I was on maternity leave, and from there my passion and interest for postpartum and motherhood just grew bigger and bigger.
When my maternity leave ended I knew that I had to work with mothers, and I have ever since dedicated myself to discovering and building not only my own system of maternal support, but also an entire new culture and way of talking about motherhood here in Denmark.
When we started sitre, we knew we had to create a more relatable and inclusive idea of what intimacy and sexiness can be. That’s also why we chose to include a pregnant person in our first shoot. Do you think society is reflecting a diverse idea of what motherhood is?
First of all I think that we need to make a distinction between motherhood and mothering.
Motherhood is the cultural framework, the stories we tell about our place in the world and the values we place on them. Everyone is affected by this, not only mothers. In our western culture motherhood is idealized and put up on a pedestal as the end game goal for women.
Becoming a mother is seen as the ultimate expression of maturity for women, and as something that every “true” woman should strive to become. This affects women that just don’t feel that way and don’t want children. They are portrayed as selfish, cold and as the odd ones out. We all know the story of the lonely cat lady that is always portrayed as the ugly witch in children's cartoons and movies! This isn’t just entertainment, it’s a cultural message for all girls who dare to think about straying from the path of motherhood.
And then there is mothering. This is the practice, the true, raw experience and the invisible labor of mothers. This is the part of motherhood that has been silenced and hidden, to protect the polished and two dimensional social narrative of motherhood. To truly begin to portray a diverse idea of what motherhood is, we need to normalize all parts of motherhood, the good, the bad and the ugly.
When we’ve spoken to new mothers, they’ve all had different experiences and needs in regards to intimacy. Some have an increased need for being intimate with their partner, some have no need at all. But the common factor is that it isn’t as it was before they became pregnant. How do you think intimacy is affected when you’re a new mum?
I believe that this is an individual matter, but when it comes to especially heteronormative and monogamous relashionships, there seems to be a lot of pressure on mothers to go back to normal with everything as soon as possible. This is a huge cultural denial of the widespread changes a woman goes through when she becomes a mother: physiological, psychological, hormonal, relational etc.
Mothering, especially in its early stages, is such an intense bodily experience. Your body has been through massive changes for 9 months, you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina or belly, you are sweating like crazy, there is milk and tears everywhere, you feed, rock, hold, comfort and care for a baby 24/7 and you probably don’t get a lot of sleep. For a lot of mothers, intimacy with self or a partner is the last in the line of things that get her attention, and we need to normalize that this is okay for as long as it takes!
Do you think mums are empowered to feel sexy by society?
Well, sort of but not really. I’m currently observing a very intensive trend of fetichizing the pregnant body. I feel like society is saying “yes, feel sexy and enjoy your pregnant body, because this is going to be the peak of your sexuality and after you push that baby out it’s over for you”. But once we become mothers we are seen as irresponsible if we display ourselves as “too” sexual, even if we don’t intent to. Everything that we have fought for as women, as far as freedom of sexual expression goes, has somehow stopped at the doorsteps of motherhood.
You have very honest conversations about motherhood on your Instagram - and we hope we can inspire everyone to have the same about intimacy. But one thing is ‘want-to’ and another is bringing that into practice. How do you think new parents could potentially talk about intimacy so they can figure out how they’re both feeling in their new roles?
Thank you, I love your mission!
I’ve heard stories of doctors warning mothers to not wait too long before they have sex with their partners, and I think that forcing intimacy is the most unsexy thing in the world. It puts so much pressure on mothers who already have a lot going on in their lives.
When it comes to the parent dynamic I feel like lowering the expectations and accepting that intimacy is something that they need to rediscover and redefine post parenthood is key. There is no going back to how things were, but who says that it can’t be just as good, meaningful or even more creative and pleasurable than before? So allowing space for rediscovery and embracing the change instead of pretending nothing has happened or pushing against it, can in itself create a safe and nurturing environment for pleasure and intimacy to arise.
Finally - what advice would you give a new mother if they’re feeling confused about their intimate relationship to themselves and/or their partner?
It’s okay to be confused! We are all fed this idea that our identity, sexual or not, as something that is fixed or static, and that being confused about who you are and what you want is somehow a sign of weakness. But becoming a mother is an all engulfing change, and it takes time to discover yourself in this flood of new experiences and emotions. Sometimes being a mother can feel like an out of your body experience, and recreating an intimate relationship with one's own body can feel so overwhelming. Be gentle and easy on yourself if this is how you feel about it.
Sometimes recreating that connection looks like talking to a trauma therapist or a postpartum counselor and resolving trauma around birth and/or postpartum. Sometimes all it takes is “simple” rituals such as creating space and time to lay down and just feel every bodily sensation, without having to worry about when to get up to feed or hold the baby.
I always recommend practicing self massage with an oil for new mothers. Not only is it a great way of getting the blood circulating postpartum where movement is limited, but it is also a very nurturing way of feeling the body, getting the oxytocin flowing and reconnecting with body parts that we somehow have forgotten in the postpartum fog.
Thank you Jozefina for bringing such an honest perspective.
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