caspar eric: vulnerability is my superpower
Photo by Ocean Productions
sitre’s stories, photos, interviews, words are all here to create a space for honest and open conversations because we truly hope that the more we talk, the less lonely we’ll feel with our desires. But poet Caspar Eric has with this conversation shown us another perspective. Caspar has the disability cerebral palsy and has never not had to talk about his body in an honest way. This means that he isn’t hungry for openness; he’s been forced to be open his whole life.
Caspar’s latest book, New Balances (Nye Balancer), is called handicap poems. The book dives into how it is to live with a handicap in a society that is highly discriminating. And even though we’re using conversations to create change, Caspar states that words are not enough, action is needed.
Caspar was unsure how much to open up - both in regards to his words and photos. Because his words are no longer just his; they’re here for everyone with a disability. We’re honoured that he chose to tell his story and perspective - and we hope that his words will trigger as many reflections for you as they did for us. Make sure to follow him here.
Hi Caspar, there’s plenty of bios written about you online. But could you in your own words describe who you are and how you’re feeling at the moment?
Hi. I work as a Danish poet, playwriter and disability activist, and my most recent book is called “Nye Balancer” (New balance).
I am 35, have cerebral palsy, lots of siblings and atm my feelings are all over the place.
As I am writing this, I alm also conflicted about how much skin I should show in the photos we’re about to do; to be semi-naked in order to push the fact that crips can be sexy too, or to insist on a little more privacy.
There is of course a whole fucking disability conundrum just within that cost-benefit analysis. I often get told that I’m nice looking, and while I do get flattered, there’s also a nauseating subtext to it: That if you're ugly and disabled you’re pretty much done for.
You speak very openly about your handicap. Have you ever felt that it’s played a role in your perception of intimacy and pleasure?
There are no parts of my so-called personality, that aren’t formed by the fact that I live with a disability tbh. And as someone living wiith a body that's been touched and negotiated since I was a toddler, both within popculture and medical institutions, openness and honesty is not something I’ve had the privilege of shying away from. Because I’ve always had to prove people wrong in terms of what it means to be crip, and because this neogotiation was never some abstract silent one. So, I have a hunger for pleasure that comes from a need of physical validation but I am also very good at creating very intimate connections I think.
We’ve all grown up with glossy magazines, Hollywood and porn. They've all shown a very narrow idea of what’s sexy… which also classifies what’s not. What consequences do you think that has had - for our society and for you?
In short, I think the very narrow and stereotypical ideas that we have of the crip within popculture has caused me to try and hide my disability in a lot of contexts, exactly because I’ve been taught that having a disability is undesirable and something that you have to overcome. Both when it comes to work and sex and so on and so forth.
So really I guess the answer is: The consequences are so immense that we don’t even have a common language for how lonely and akward it can feel to grow up with a disibility in Denmark. At the same time this vulnerability is precisely what I regard as my superpower. And what really saddens me is how unable we are to regard this, being in contact with the world in a different way, as an important societal ressource, or even as something sexy and desirable.
We hope to move away from the idea of intimacy being seen as purely a physical experience - it’s as much something that happens in our heads. How has your mind shaped your intimate experiences?
I am not sure how to answer this, my head is after all a very physical thing.
But I can say this: Some of my most intimate experiences have been laughing hard and uncontrollably with a person in a bed. Maybe, quite possibly, there have pizza boxes on the floor and a tossed away computer.
Many still experience shame in regards to their desires, bodies, sexualities. How do you think we can change this so that people feel free to be themselves?
We need to remember that people experience shame because our society quite actively disciplines our desires towards normalcy. And if your desires deviate you are punished. So one thing I’d say is this: freedom isn’t a feeling as much as a framework that allows us to do and dream about certain things.
This idea of ‘feeling free to be myself’ can even become a kind of new imperative. And so people who struggle with just ‘speaking up’ or ‘being open’ are often penalised twice. So I think we both need more patience towards this group but also hard core policies that secure the right to not being discriminated because of your body.
And on a different note: Isn’t thegreat thing about sex and love that you get precisely to be something more than yourself?
We hope that having more open and honest conversations about intimacy can push us to a place where no-one will feel alone with their desires (or lack of). But one thing is reading an article, another is actually having these types of conversations with a partner. Do you find it easy to be open about your intimate thoughts and desires?
I think what I am trying to describe here, is that I’ve never had the luxury of choosing whether to be open or not with a partner or people that I am in other ways close with. So I’ve been forced to be very communicative about my thoughts and desires. Which isn’t necessarily an easy thing, haha.
I think one thing it has done. is that it has made it easy for me to think of intimacy as something we can exchange. And this exchange is in a very big way what drives my artistic practice.
Living in a different body than most, I think what you realize is that fictions stick to our bodies and also in a big way structure our desires.
Pleasure isn’t just joyful; it is nurturing for both our physical and mental health. How do you think intimacy has shaped your wellbeing?
I don’t really think that pleasure shapes my well being. Talking about these things fx doesn’t bring me pleasure. It makes me feel more disabled because I also redact other parts of my story right now. But what it does do is give me a sense of urgency and place in the world. Visibility comes with a concrete prize for lots of us, but having to fight for it has also enabled me to imagine other ways of doing things, other ways of thinking about mental and physical health. There is great intimacy and pleasure in knowing that our bodies often do the most fantastic things when we dare to face our frailty. Frailty as power.
Finally: what advice would you give to someone if they were finding it difficult to be themselves in an intimate relationship?
If this is something that happens alot, try to get help. Otherwise, as Jojo put it: Get out. Leave. Right now.
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