changing my sexual perspective
Photo by Nycolle Suabya (Note: This is not a picture of Ida)
Exploring your sexualities and desires isn’t a one-way journey. How are you supposed to know what you like and what turns you on? Exploring isn’t always easy though - especially as you’re not an island. You learn and adapt because of the stories you’re being told. And that means you sometimes don’t just have to learn what you like - you also have to unlearn what you’ve been told you like. But your desires are important and sex is something you should nurture. Not just because it’s pleasing, but because it’s important your wellbeing.
This week we’re sharing an interview with Ida. Ida has always giving sex a lot of focus and is very careful with how it impacts her, her idea of self and her life. And the other way around. In this article she shares how that has affected her life and how she has dealt with her desires - which includes going to sex parties. It is super interesting and we’re so happy Ida agreed to this conversation.
Hi Ida, Could you give us a short idea about who you are and what your relationship to sex is and has been?
Im 33 years old, living in Copenhagen and pregnant with my first child. Sexuality has always been a big part of my life and my identity for better and worse. Trying to understand and explore it in different ways has been a big driver for me.
So how did you exploration of sex and sexuality start?
As a little girl I had a very strong connection to the sexual energies in my body, even though I didn’t connect it with “sex”. I now understand that “masturbation” for me as a child was more like a way of getting rid of excess energy or dealing with emotions than an actual “sexual experience” as we understand it as adults. Of course, and unfortunately no one explained this to me as a child. I believe I would have had a more harmonious and whole understanding of the potential of sexuality, if I had gotten this explained as a child instead of just being pointed in the direction of “sex between a man and a woman” for understanding the experiences.
As a teenager and young adult, I was very sexually curious and active – both in and outside relationships. In my late 20’s I started being active in “sex positive” circles and went to different sex parties, where the view on sexuality is very different from the mainstream culture. Being able to express my sexuality as freely as I wanted and live out different fantasies in safe spaces without being judged or misunderstood was extremely empowering and liberating for me. At the same time I started exploring neo-tantra and went to different workshops and gatherings to explore this – without really understanding the philosophy behind.
This phase broadened my view on sex and I enjoyed exploring my sexuality more freely than I had tried before. Until it suddenly didn’t feel right for me anymore. My body started to react differently, and what used to turn me on didn’t anymore. This confused me a lot and I started to look more into (female) sexuality and visited different body therapists to understand my body’s reactions. I was especially inspired by the neo-tantra and taosm approaches, which (as I learned) was a lot more complex than what I had been taught at the different workshops.
Through this I started to understand, that I hadn’t been listening to my body’s signals and respecting my boundaries probably – and that this had been the case in my relationships as much as in the more experimental settings. For instance, I realised that I’ve often been ignoring pain during the beginning of penetration, because I knew that it would begin to feel good, if we just kept going.
I started to see, that I had been driven a lot by my idea of how sex should be and look like (something that I unfortunately mostly learned through watching porn as a teenager) instead of really listening to my body and feelings. Put it very simple, I had been treating my sexuality as a cliché of a man: quick, hard and goal orientated.
The more I’ve been diving into how the female body and psyche work, the more I see how this approach is not fitting for me. And for me this approach to sex mirrors a broader tendency in our culture, where we value the “masculine qualities” (such as constant forward, linear movement and goal-orientation) a lot higher than the “feminine qualities” (such as fluidity, softness, cycles and emotions).
The last couple of years I’ve been working on making more space for these feminine aspects in my life as a whole and especially in my sexual life. In terms of sex, this means broadening my understanding of sex to include more slowness, being with whatever emotions/thoughts/feelings that might arise and to include the energies in the entire body and not just the genitals e.g. through massage and breathing. However, this isn’t an easy change for me. It takes time and practice to change these habits and I’m still working on “reprogramming” my own patterns - and the ones I have with my partner.
It’s become clear to me that I must start with my own patterns and how I interact with myself. If I always meet my own sexuality through a “quick orgasm” approach, this is also how I will meet my partner. But if I take myself the time to self-pleasure without a goal other than being present with myself and whatever arises, then I will bring these qualities into my sexual patterns with my partner. This means taking the time to really feel into myself when I’m alone and notice what would be pleasurable right now – maybe it’s to stroke my arms, maybe it's to cry, maybe it’s to breath energy out into the entire body or maybe it’s to get a quick clitoris orgasm. By learning myself to hear and accept my needs as they are in the moment, I can begin to express this more fully with my partner – and also allow him to do the same.
What was the thing that drove you to start exploring sex?
I’ve always had this “inner knowing” that there was more into sexuality, than what we’re being taught in our culture. That it’s so much bigger than “just” sexual pleasure and can be seen as a gateway to the greatest energy and power within us. But that we might need more and different things than what we normally perceive as being sex. The mainstream western knowledge gives very little answers to this, so I’ve had to look into other traditions such as tantra and taosm, which has inspired me a lot.
What kind of impact do you think sex has on you and your life?
It’s been an inner drive to understand myself and life deeper. My sexual drive has often pointed me in new directions that I needed in my personal growth – e.g. to let go of inhibitions or to connect with the feminine qualities and thereby create a greater balance in my life.
Do you think there’s a link between wellness and sex?
I believe that “how we show up in bed” is how we show up in life. We have so much to learn about ourselves by looking at our sexuality. And the other way around – by looking at our habits in our everyday life, we can learn about and develop our sexual behaviour. If we for instance feel restricted in our ability to express and love ourselves in our everyday life, this will be shown in the way we behave sexually.
Moving forward, how do you think you will explore sexuality and intimacy?
I’ll keep working on integrating a gentler approach to my own sexuality, body and emotions. To use sexuality to be intimate with and loving towards myself and therethrough with my partner. But at the same time not neglecting the more “primitive” aspects of sexuality (that just enjoys fucking and getting orgasms), which also needs space. I hope I’ll find that balance and connection between those parts of me.
Can you give anyone any tips on how to start exploring if it’s something you’ve never done in the past?
If you have the feeling that there’s more into your sexuality than what you are experiencing, then trust that this is true and take it seriously. Dive into what is missing and look into what sex can be – and prioritise the time it takes to change. This is something that must be learned through embodied experiences, not (only) by learning through the mind. A great start would be to practice slowing down, create a greater connection to your body and feeling the body from the inside. I’m sure there’s as many ways to do this as there are women on the planet. For me practicing yoga is a needed basis for having this connection. For more directly sexual orientated practices and knowledge I’ve been inspired a lot by women who has a lot of experience and knowledge - eg. Layla Martin, Bonnie Bliss and Olivia Bryant (Self:Cervix), who all offer different kinds of online courses and workshops.
No matter what approach you choose, my main point would be, that it all starts with yourself. If you want changes in your sex-life, then start changing the way you treat yourself. Prioritise your own pleasure whatever form it might look like. Then changes will arise in the meeting with a partner.
Thank you Ida for sharing your stories and thoughts. It was truly so enlightening.
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